The Intervention
by Tears of Mercury
Summary: AU Edward's rebellious period doesn't come until the 80s and 90s. When a harmless joke of Jasper and Emmett's spirals out of control, he winds up with a job at Burger King, a frazzled psychic, and a luscious but irate customer. What's a vampire to do? E/B


**Author: **mercuryandrain

**Fandom: **Twilight

**Pairing(s)/Character(s): **Edward/Bella, Alice/Jasper, Rosalie/Emmett, and Esme/Carlisle

**Rating: **T

**Words: **2313

**Prompt: **Vampire!Edward is working at Burger King when he encounters an irate Human!Bella.

**Summary: **Edward's rebellious period doesn't take place until the eighties and nineties. As he struggles to reintegrate with his coven an their vegetarian lifestyle, a harmless joke of Emmett's and Jasper's spirals into a family project encompassing Rosalie, an animal shelter, a Burger King, and one luscious but infuriated human. However is a centenarian vampire to survive?

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the series, rights to the series, the movies, right to the movies, and on and on and on and on. Let's move along now, shall we?

**A/N: **This is the story Jessiemchreese won from me wayyy back in the April Support Stacie Auction. As this is officially five months late, I've decided the fairest way to about it is to up the story's total word count from 2,500 to 12,500. Thus, instead of an amusing one-shot, this has morphed into a rather horrific five-parter. Jess, I'm so sorry for the wait, I hope Edward's internal monologue isn't too angsty – it can only get lighter from here. And thanks in advance to etherealxmuse, who will be looking this over and fixing my booboos before I submit it to Twilighted. You're a lifesaver, dahling.

* * *

**The Bet**

"Edward, man, you have got to get out more."

I rolled my eyes as Emmett's side-splitting laughter reverberated throughout the great room, the sheer force of his mirth making the entertainment center and side tables tremble. Rosalie's expression was identical to my own as she flipped her mass of blonde waves over one shoulder impatiently. "Who cares whether or not Edward can tell the difference between _Goblet of Fire_ and _Order of the Phoenix_? Family time," she drawled, emphasizing the phrase with finger quotes, "is cutting into General Hospital. Are we almost done?"

Emmett had calmed down somewhat, but his mental voice still bubbled over with giggles. _Thought the kiss was during the Yule ball… who hasn't seen all the Harry Potter movies?... living under a rock…_ "C'mon, Rosie, can't you TiVo your soap?" he asked offhandedly. "This is finally becoming entertaining!"

Alice sighed inaudibly as Rosalie fixed her husband with a glare that would have made Jane proud. Her eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly, and the ends of her unkempt hair trembled when she shook her head. "No, Emmett, she can't. Rosalie has been watching _General Hospital_ since it began airing, and it's much more enjoyable to insult characters who can't argue than to insult actual people. She would appreciate it if you stopped undermining the importance of her alone time." She paused for a moment, lips pursed, and then added, "And you won't be getting any use out of your new King-sized mattress for the next forty-eight hours." Her husband favored her with a secret half-smile while Emmett and Rosalie pouted separately, Emmett over the lost opportunity to engage in his favorite pastime and Rosalie over the lost chance to berate Emmett herself.

Esme fingered the _Scene It_ box and scanned the room wistfully. "Well, I guess we can stop here." Her disappointment was evident – the family get-together had lasted all of fifteen minutes.

"Thank you. I, for one, don't understand why this is even necessary. If Edward is having trouble adjusting to living with the family he should stop commenting on our thoughts and flouncing off to his room so often," Rosalie sniffed. I did my best to bite back a hiss. She couldn't honestly think that I gained anymore from this show of family bonding than she did – that readapting to a vegetarian lifestyle after years of mercilessly killing humans could be remedied by time spent playing vapid games and serving as the butt of Emmett's puerile jokes? The only reason I was here was because I could sense Esme's deeper need for reconnection. Her insecurities concerning my desire to stay with the family were so deep that even these small moments spent play-acting as a human clan had the power to make her irrationally happy.

_Edward, please don't respond to her,_ Esme's mind-voice pleaded, and I gritted my teeth in frustration. In the next moment I caught her unconscious follow-up thought – _I don't know how much more fighting the family can take right now._ – and a knot of guilt formed in the pit of my stomach.

_Wait a minute…_ My spine stiffened at the tenor of Emmett's mind. I turned and eyed him suspiciously. "Esme, this is all about reinforcing Edward's place in the family, right?" He looked meaningfully at Jasper, who was sandwiched in the corner loveseat with Alice and merely offered a raised eyebrow in acknowledgment. "_So_, why don't we do something useful to help him get his mojo back?"

"Mojo?" I questioned flatly. I could sense where this was going; it didn't take a mind reader to recognize Emmett's Bet Face. Nothing made him happier than placing a wager, except, of course, being on the winning end of the resulting gamble.

Alice began playing the Brazilian national anthem in her head and nodding rapidly. "Edward needs to get out, to regain his confidence in his ability to be around humans."

Alice's agreement spurred Emmett on; his thoughts became a jumble of excited glee and self-satisfaction. He swung his arms out widely, missing Rosalie's head by centimeters. "He needs to _do_ something. Of course he's depressed. He sits at home and picks out curtains and furniture with Esme all day!"

Carlisle cleared his throat. "What would you suggest Edward do, Emmett?"

His barrel chest swelled outward, giving him the appearance of a garishly oversized rooster. "Edward needs a job."

"Something that forces him to interact with others," Jasper suggested, seamlessly interjecting a logical component to Emmett's flamboyance into the conversation. I felt a disbelieving scowl cross my face – how could Jasper, of all people, lecture me on my social shortcomings?

"That would never work," Rosalie snorted, running her thumb over the edge of a fingernail on the opposite hand. "Edward will just cheat and use his telepathy to figure out how to manipulate his co-workers. And if that doesn't work, he'll rely on his looks."

"That's not –"

"Good point, Rose." Emmett frowned, taken aback by this perceived wrench in his plans.

"That's not true," I said stiffly. It wasn't unknown to me that I was simply playing into their hands, but I found myself unable to stay quiet. Did they really think that I relied on my gift – that I welcomed the private thoughts of strangers and family? Impossible. My mind-reading had resulted in nothing but harm over the course of my existence. With some degree of horror, I listened to the suggestion fall unsolicited from my mouth: "What if I promised not to use my abilities? I would still hear the thoughts of those around me, but I wouldn't actively seek them out or respond to them."

Emmett's yellow eyes were shining as he looked at me. "And you would work within those conditions?"

I recovered myself quickly, my spine stiffening as I locked eyes with Emmett, Jasper and Alice in turn. "This is ridiculous. Carlisle and I have already agreed to aim for next year as my goal for reintegration -"

"Please, Edward. You were fine living among humans when you were hunting them. Why wouldn't you be able to maintain control now?" Rosalie jeered, her mind brimming over with hateful barbs and accusations.

The figurative mother of the family chose that moment to call order – which, by Alice's estimates, was just in time to avoid a family-wide argument. "Edward needs to make this decision on his own. I'm sure when he's ready he'll take on a more active role. And, Emmett, we appreciate what you're trying to do, but – " Esme's lips quivered – "I'm not sure the best way to go about this is by placing a bet."

I felt the onslaught of artificial frustration hit seconds before Jasper's voice rang out. "This isn't about the bet, Esme. Emmett has been trying to draw Edward out for months to no avail. Alice and Carlisle have made every effort to provide emotional support and help him reacclimate to our coven's way of life and he's consistently rebuffed them. How much more can we do to get him to act?"

"I am acting! I've been helping Carlisle manage the family's charitable funds, brushing up on my Russian, and assisting Esme with her renovations." I glared at Emmett when he snorted and added sharply, "Which, for everyone's information, involves much more than selecting draperies!"

Rosalie snickered derisively. Alice shook her head, the motion the faintest of twitches, as she closed her eyes and focused intently on the most likely outcome of the current free-for-all. Her mind, unfortunately, was too jumbled for me to use anything I saw to my advantage. Jasper and Emmett leveled me with twin gazes, equally challenging, eerily calculating, and chillingly confident.

Emmett shook his head slowly, strutting toward me like a predator on the prowl. "Okay, you think you can handle work? Prove it. Get a job – something with lots of people, most of who will probably irritate the hell out of you."

Jasper's right eyebrow twitched. "Most of whom."

"What?" Emmett's features twisted in irritation over what he deemed to be a completely random interjection.

"He was correcting your grammar," I supplied.

"The point is," Alice suddenly said, her voice hurried and even more high-pitched than usual, "Edward needs to reconnect with the less savory aspects of humanity. It's the only way he'll be able to build up a tolerance to humans' _minds_, in addition to their scent." She trapped Carlisle with a meaningful glance, her mind continuing to be absorbed with mundane tasks all the while – at the moment she was picking out all of the sharps and flats in Mozart's Moonlight Sonata.

I was surprised by how much the comment stung. Alice and I had always understood each other on a level that, barring Jasper, no one else had ever been able to touch – it was one of the things that had made me comfortable accepting her as not just a member of Carlisle's family but a part of mine as well. Hearing her say that I had no tolerance for humans, even going so far as to imply that I carried some measure of disdain for them, left me feeling too off kilter to reply.

My defense came from an unexpected quarter. "Finding humans distasteful isn't exactly grounds for an intervention." Rosalie, who had thus far chosen to sit in the corner and roll her eyes, now seemed primed for an argument. This conversation must have hit a nerve, I mused. "This is all ridiculous. If Edward wants to spend his days consumed with interior design and masturbating to Chopin, I don't see how it's our job to stop him."

A low hiss formed in the roof of my mouth. "I do not – I do not do _that_," I retorted threateningly.

She raised one perfectly formed eyebrow, giving off her usual air of boredom. "Maybe you wouldn't have so many problems socializing if you _did_ self-abuse once in awhile."

As was so often the case with Rosalie, her swift comment was enough to singlehandedly push back all of my good manners and bring out a childish, petty streak that didn't seem to exist around anyone else. Words tumbled from my mouth before I had the chance to censor them. "We all know that isn't the case with you, Rose. So tell me – what's _your _excuse?"

"Edward!" Esme's mortified tone brought me back to myself instantly. I stared at my sister's fuming face with dismay.

"I apologize, Rosalie. That was completely –"

"Fuck off, Edward," she snapped, storming out of the room without a second glance. Moments later, the glass of one of Esme's more expensive vases screamed as her deft hands launched it into a wall with supernatural force.

Emmett's anxious chuckle broke the silence his mate had left in her wake. "Uh, that's totally replaceable. Right?"

"I'm sure Edward and Rosalie will be able finance a replacement," Carlisle said smoothly, rubbing Esme's back in comforting circles. Her forehead has creased with a frown, and she was shaking her head softly. I braced myself for the talk I knew was coming; lectures from Esme, always spoken in a spirit of love and concern instead of one of discipline, were harder to endure than any drill Sargent's would have been.

"You know I don't care about the money. I don't even really mind losing the vase. But Alice is right, Carlisle. Edward has seen and heard so many terrible things – how can he possibly remember all of the good that humanity has to offer?"

_Is Esme getting on board with this? Seriously?!_ It seemed impossible for Emmett to hide the anticipation broiling in his thoughts; unsurprising, considering his inability to conceal anything else. He stealthily moved closer to Carlisle and Esme, pricking his ears as if he couldn't already hear every word being spoken with perfect clarity.

"And Rosalie is hardly any better," she continued, the worry lines materializing on her face giving the appearance of tears where there were none. "After a century with the family, she still hasn't forgiven you for turning her or opened up to me. She loves us, yes, but she carries so much rage inside of her. I'm worried that some day she's going to be given the opportunity to unleash it and that we'll lose her."

Emmett's eyes widened comically, panic beginning to permeate his thoughts as he realized that his impromptu charges had somehow extended to his wife as well, and I could feel Jasper frantically attempting to stem the air of gravity that had permeated the house's atmosphere.

Esme's mouth drifted into a smile after a minute. "I think Emmett and Jasper are right," she said decisively. "The best way to overcome our demons is to shift the focus to something outside of ourselves. What better way to do that then by helping others?" I watched her turn her glowing eyes to Carlisle with dread. In all the time I had lived with them, I had never seen him deny her anything.

Rosalie's mind spewed profanities and promises of violence toward me. I cringed in distaste, and at that moment Carlisle turned to me authoritatively. "I agree." We all tensed at the sound of wood shattering upstairs. He turned his eyes to the ceiling, his face taking on the same calming expression I had seen him use with his patients. "Rosalie, this is a tremendous opportunity for growth. You and Edward might be surprised by how comforting it can be to interact with humans. And you never know – you may even find a kindred spirit somewhere unexpected."

"Well, I wouldn't go that far..." Alice's tinkling voice trailed off as she cocked her head to the side, her eyes losing focus. "But I don't see anyone dead yet. That's something, anyway." She smiled absently.

I buried my face in my hands and groaned.


End file.
